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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832402">I Struggle to be Myself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilovecastiel18/pseuds/Ilovecastiel18'>Ilovecastiel18</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes &amp; Related Fandoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Touching, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Johnlock - Freeform, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Sherlock Being Sherlock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:42:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832402</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilovecastiel18/pseuds/Ilovecastiel18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post season 4. While John struggles with his sexuality, Sherlock pushes him to accept the fact that he is bisexual. They end up fighting. Love confessions ensue. Johnlock. Hurt/comfort, angst, romance. Mild language warning. One-Shot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sherlock Holmes &amp; John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>67</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Struggle to be Myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I haven’t written for Sherlock in a while, but I recently joined Tumblr and started following a bunch of Sherlock blogs, and it rekindled my love for the show. I am also struggling with whether or not I am bisexual, so this fic is sort of a way for me to explore my own sexuality. That’s probably too much information, but my point stands. Anyway, please leave a review if you like it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Disclaimer:</strong> Sherlock, along with its characters, location, etc. are the property of BBC and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I do not own them, though I definitely wouldn’t mind being on a first name basis with Benedict Cumberbatch.</p><p> </p><p>……….</p><p> </p><p>I Struggle to be Myself</p><p> </p><p>……….</p><p> </p><p>John was… confused. He had spent so many years denying that he and Sherlock were a couple, he never stopped to think whether or not he wanted to be.</p><p> </p><p>When he thought about it, he figured that his complete refusal to ever consider he and Sherlock being a couple was because of his parents. When Harry came out, their parents had ranted and raved that she was going to go to Hell, and then completely disowned her. They hadn’t spoken in nearly fifteen years, which was something that John knew contributed to Harry’s drinking problem.</p><p> </p><p>So, he had never allowed himself to consider whether he wanted to be in a relationship with Sherlock, because he never allowed himself to consider whether he was bisexual. Even though he also hadn’t kept in contact with his parents in fifteen years, because he supported Harry, he didn’t know if he could stand being shunned and disowned by the people who loved and raised him for so many years.</p><p> </p><p>But, now that Mary was dead and Eurus was back in prison and everything was back to normal in his life (well, a certain brand of normal, anyway. His life was far from normal, but it went back to the way it was before everything went to shit with Moriarty and Mary and then Eurus), he wasn’t so sure that he was straight, and that he didn’t love Sherlock romantically.</p><p> </p><p>Currently, John was once again living in 221B Baker Street with Sherlock, having set up Rosie’s crib in his room. When she reached an age where she would need her own room, John planned to rent 221C from Mrs. Hudson so they could still spend most of their time with Sherlock.</p><p> </p><p>Right now, Rosie was taking a nap in her playpen, Sherlock was quietly performing an experiment in the kitchen, and John was pretending to read the newspaper while thinking about the events of the day before.</p><p><br/>Sherlock and John had been working a case for Lestrade, and the killer (whom Sherlock had deduced five minutes after walking into the crime scene) had commented that they looked like a couple. Well, his actual words were “you motherfucker and your short-ass boyfriend…” but he called them boyfriends all the same. And to top it all off, after Lestrade arrested the man, he’d said “you two <em>would</em> make a good couple.”</p><p> </p><p>Since Mary was dead and John had no other reason not to love Sherlock, he was seriously considering, for the first time ever, why he was always so defensive when someone assumed that he and Sherlock were gay.</p><p> </p><p>Of course, Sherlock<em> was</em> gay, but John had never had any reason to think that he himself liked men. That is, until he met Sherlock. John knew that he had a nearly unhealthy obsession with Sherlock basically from the moment he met him, and he knew that, other than Rosie, Sherlock was easily the most important person in his life. If he really forced himself to admit it, he’d considered Sherlock more important that Mary, even when they were happily married. Sherlock would always be the most important person in John’s life, with the exception of Rosie. He had no reason not to love him. So… did he?</p><p> </p><p>John knew that he loved Sherlock, of course. But did he love Sherlock romantically? He wasn’t sure anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Still thinking, John quietly folded up the newspaper and set it on the table next to his chair, standing and moving to stand next to Sherlock.</p><p> </p><p>Sherlock, being Sherlock, of course didn’t even glance up from his microscope. John watched him for a few moments before he said anything, appreciating his high cheekbones and slender build.</p><p> </p><p>“Sherlock, you’re gay, right?” he blurted out. Sherlock glanced up from his microscope briefly, then looked back down.</p><p> </p><p>“You know that I am, John.” He replied, sounding bored.</p><p> </p><p>John simply nodded, keeping quiet. He wasn’t sure why he asked, since he already knew the answer, but it just sort of came out of his mouth, most definitely without his consent. Maybe he was trying to figure out if Sherlock loved him? He wasn’t sure.</p><p> </p><p>“Something else?” Sherlock asked, after a few minutes of John quietly standing beside him as he did his experiment.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, I was just thinking.” John muttered, turning to go back to his chair.</p><p> </p><p>“About?” Sherlock looked up, fully turning away from the table to face John.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing serious.” John lied. He moved to retreat from the kitchen, but Sherlock lightly grasped his wrist.</p><p> </p><p>“You can tell me, John.” Sherlock said, looking straight into his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Really, Sherlock, it’s not important.” John lied again. He didn’t move to pull away from Sherlock’s grip on his wrist.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay. But I needed to make sure that you know you can talk to me. Usually I would never agree to listen to another human complain about their mundane life, but you’re my best friend.” Sherlock replied. He paused for a moment before continuing. “Is this about your recent struggles with your sexuality?” he asked.</p><p> </p><p>John abruptly stepped back, breaking the grip on his wrist. “How did you…?”</p><p> </p><p>“Come on, John. You know me better than that. Of course I figured it out.” Sherlock interrupted, letting his hand drop to his side. “If you’re wondering whether or not I love you romantically, I would think the answer would be obvious.” He continued.</p><p> </p><p>“Right then.” John snapped, backing into the living room.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, what is it now? Honestly, I never know what I do wrong with you. Is it not obvious?” Sherlock stood from his stool and followed John.</p><p> </p><p>“Not now, Sherlock. Rosie is sleeping.” John didn’t turn around as he sat down in his chair. He had suddenly realized that he had not figured himself out yet, and this was not the time to discuss this with his famously rude flatmate/best friend/possible love interest. He silently seethed when he sensed Sherlock following him.</p><p> </p><p>“So, take her to Mrs. Hudson. Apparently, there is a conversation to be had.” Sherlock snapped back, plopping down into his own chair.</p><p> </p><p>“I said not now.” John growled. He needed more time to figure things out, and he was desperately hoping that Sherlock would leave it at that.</p><p> </p><p>But, of course, he didn’t.</p><p> </p><p>Sherlock sighed loudly and stood abruptly. He gently picked Rosie up out of her playpen and carried her out the door and down the stair, which made John incredibly angry. How dare Sherlock take Rosie to Mrs. Hudson when John specifically said no? He was preparing for a very loud fight just as Sherlock walked back into the room.</p><p> </p><p>John stood and opened his mouth to yell, but Sherlock spoke first.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, John, I think you should just accept the fact that you’re bisexual so we can be together. It’s the only logical course of action from this point forward.” Sherlock said, stating it like it was a boring fact about tobacco ash instead of the biggest struggle of John’s life.</p><p> </p><p>“How… what… what the fuck is wrong with you, Sherlock?” John stood up and moved toward his friend. “You don’t just get to decide whether or not I’m bi!” he yelled.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s so obvious, John, you’re apparently the only person who doesn’t know that…”</p><p> </p><p>“Enough!” John yelled, cutting him off. “I don’t know if I’m bi or not! I can’t seem to think straight about this because I always have you hovering around me, and I always have my homophobic parents lingering in my mind. I don’t know what I am.” John deflated a bit, scrubbing a hand down his face. “Look, Sherlock, I just don’t know what to think right now, and having you inform me that I’m bi as if it’s this week’s weather forecast isn’t helping.” John turned to go upstairs to his room when he was abruptly stopped by Sherlock’s hand on his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“You have to know by now that I love you, John. I just want what’s best for you.” Sherlock whispered.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you too, Sherlock. Of course I do.” John refused to turn around. “And I’m pretty sure that I do have romantic feelings toward you. I just… I don’t know. My parents will disown me if I come out as bi or if I date a man, even if he is the most important man in my life.” John finally turned around to face Sherlock, and found that they were a lot closer than he had originally thought. They were practically chest-to-chest. “I’m really not sure what to do.”</p><p> </p><p>“I can protect you. I always have.” Sherlock whispered. “I jumped off St. Bart’s for you, I spent two years being tortured by Moriarty’s men for you, I shot a man and got shot for you… I came back to life for you. I will do anything you need, John. Always.” Sherlock tipped his head forward and pressed it gently against John’s.</p><p> </p><p>John felt a lot of different emotions swirling around in his brain. He felt such a huge flood of affection and love for Sherlock that he could hardly take it. He wasn’t confused anymore, that was certain. He was bisexual, and he was most definitely in love with The Great Sherlock Holmes. John felt Sherlock gently take ahold of his face, gently stroking his (less prominent) cheekbones with his calloused thumbs.</p><p> </p><p>John let out a long sigh and lightly placed his hands on Sherlock’s hips. He slowly moved closer until he was wrapping Sherlock in a tight hug. He buried his face in Sherlock’s collarbone and breathed in the scent of him: expensive cologne, with a hint of his lavender shampoo and the chemicals from his experiment.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Sherlock.” He muttered.</p><p> </p><p>Sherlock hummed back, and the vibration of his chest made John shiver.</p><p> </p><p>Sherlock pulled back from the hug and looked down at John’s face in a way that made John shudder. “Take your time, John. I’ll wait for you.” Sherlock bent down and kissed John lightly on the cheek, before extracting himself from the shorter man’s arms and moving back to his experiment. John smiled to himself as he trudged down the stairs to get Rosie back from Mrs. Hudson.</p><p> </p><p>He’d really hit the jackpot when it came to Sherlock, and he refused to see it differently for even another second. He loved Sherlock with every part of him (that wasn’t devoted to Rosie) and he would make sure that Sherlock knew it.</p><p> </p><p>John had a feeling that the best years of his life were yet to come.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It’s been a pretty long time since I have written for Sherlock, and it’s been even longer since I wrote a Johnlock fic, so bear with me. Also, the title of this story is from the song “Falling Apart” by Captives. If you like rock music, I highly highly recommend this song, it’s my current obsession. But I digress. Please leave a preview if you like it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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